How to Lose Weight Eating Take Away

Wow. I have defied science. I have beaten the best brains in scientific academia (and the creators of the beer, ice cream and pizza diet). Yes this week in The Observer came this report that out and out exercise has virtually no effect on weight loss. And yet, and yet I have lost a whole pound. I checked twice as I was in shock but each time the needle came in one tiny notch below 15 stone. Now I could have done even better but that would have involved removing my gym kit which, given the scales are in the main exercise area, would have had me dragged outside and beaten like Wayne Rooney at a feminist rally. But that is a miracle pound for not only have I been somewhat remiss in the cutting down booze department but I have eaten absolute crap for a week.

Tuesday brought the builders who with no further ado demolished the kitchen. It also brought football and with Gordy the Cat back in between the sticks I resumed my role as occasional outfield substitute and the team resumed living up to our name. To be fair we were playing a side that regularly challenged for the title in the top division while our usual fate was to play for mid-table respectability in the 2^nd division but the unbeaten record is gone. We might not even be top. Luckily the website has been down for a week so I can’t check (although neither can anyone verify my top of the league claim either). Exercise wise it has been a very good week in fact with football, trips to the gym on Thursday and Sunday, lots more nesting and toddler carrying. Actually they should make this an Olympic Sport. Format is this. Take a large 3 year old and add a legs worth of plaster. Said toddler has to be carried upstairs and placed safely in the bathroom in exactly 5 seconds or less, and the clock starts at the first syllable of the first request. Winner gets to feel like father of the year. Loser gets peed on. I actually ran for 15 minutes solid on Thursday after a row (that’s a warm up on a machine, not an unfortunate result of looking at someone’s bird funny). I feel like Daley Thompson. Except white. And in pain.

But no kitchen has meant take away and take away means high fat large portioned tasty but not too tasty food. We’ve had so many cars round with packages and money changing hands I was planning erecting a sign along the lines of ‘hello CID, it’s food honestly, the kitchens being done. And I’m sure all these guys are here legally’. *cough*.

I have made a small concession food wise in that at lunch time I’ve swapped baguettes and crisps for salad, fruit and water (yes really, and it’s cheaper). And it seems that, plus football, plus gym-ing, plus holding the world toddler carrying record has been enough to lose one tiny but satisfying pound. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to do the first take of my new DVD ‘How to Lose Weight Eating Take Away’. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.....